I watched the latest news from Britain with probably more interest than many because the emotional upheaval hits home in a very personal way. The reason? Megan Markle’s antics are all too familiar: She appears to be a grandiose narcissist, and her decisions and actions mirror a member of our extended family. (A quick note before continuing: No, I cannot officially diagnose narcissism because I’m not qualified; notice that I put “she appears to be” a narcissist. But I do know the signs of a narcissistic personality, and in my opinion, she scores a check in every characteristic—as does the narcissist in our extended family.) This category of narcissist is described as one who is gifted, in that he or she is quite articulate, talented, charming and outgoing—able to make great first impressions. But they are then quick to enlighten you just how gifted they are, and therefore expect total focus on them, their abilities and accomplishments, and lastly, to be blindly followed and adored. Everything and every occasion is about the narcissist, trumping others’ experiences or pain (they don’t feel true empathy), including spousal, parental and child relationships. I read on the internet (sorry, no source given) that the narcissist “won’t fight for their children, but they will fight for control, attention, and the appearance of being loved.” So others are used for personal gain, even their own children. Ultimately, everything is a “show”—a manufactured one that focuses on and highlights the narcissist. Can you see why social media is his or her best friend? It provides all he/she needs to present a stage for the star, and a Megan Markle is driven to make that attention and adoration occur.
Sadly, the number of narcissists in our society appears to be multiplying, rapidly. We’ve created the perfect incubation for condoning self-centered focus: An atmosphere of blatant “look at me now!” social media platforms intended to advertise self are at everyone’s fingertips; less and less adults are mature enough to take full responsibility for their actions; permissiveness is reaching new heights in parental and educational training and guidance; personal goals like “I need to be the best version of me” are adopted without examining the consequences of actual practice; and biblical servanthood becomes a negative, something we disdain. And we wonder why tensions are high, patience is low, and the ability to negotiate and compromise is a lost art? Is it really any wonder that our politicians can’t get along? They’re simply representing society’s attitude as a whole: It’s all about me!
How does that affect you leaders of churches, non-profit organizations and schools? You will have narcissists in your midst: Count on it. And you cannot relate to them in the same manner that you relate to others under your leadership. You might be thinking: Carolyn, that’s just wrong—and not biblical! Allow me to point out these directives from Scripture:
*Titus 3:10-11 – “Warn a divisive person once, and then warn him a second time. After that, have nothing to do with him. You may be sure that such a man is warped and sinful; he is condemned.” Narcissists consistently seek to sever other relationships that threaten their being adored and blindly followed. Clearly, this passage speaks directly and decisively to any and all who are divisive.
*In several books, Paul addresses other narcissistic traits: immorality (I Cor. 5:1-13); arrogance which causes divisions (I Cor. 4:18-21); taking advantage of and manipulating others by idleness/lack of work (II Thess.3:6-14), to name only a few.
*Jude 11-12 – “Woe to [these men]! They have taken the way of Cain; they have rushed for profit into Balaam’s error; they have been destroyed in Korah’s rebellion. These men are blemishes at your love feasts, eating with you without the slightest qualm—shepherds who feed only themselves (italics mine). They are clouds without rain, blown along by the wind; autumn trees, without fruit and uprooted—twice dead.” What an apt description of a narcissist: “shepherds who feed only themselves.” Just as sheep who are totally dependent upon the shepherd to care for them in every way, so are the children of narcissists. Sadly, those children aren’t truly “fed” either—physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually.
Not only can these narcissists be arrogant, disruptive, manipulative and more, but the application of more Christian grace, love, and patience can sadly work in reverse: Narcissists will view these actions as tools to manipulate and use others even more—especially what they might view as “easy” forgiveness. What we intend as loving forgiveness can ultimately, and ironically, condone and affirm sinful actions.
So what does that mean in relation to forgiving? As committed Christians, we understand that true forgiveness of others is about my heart, and the action that God directs me to do. Absolutely, I need to forgive the narcissist, even while he or she continues to live a life of self-absorption that wounds others and me, continually. However, unless you’re dealing personally with a narcissist in your life, you probably have little understanding of the practicalities of how that actually works out: In reality, a one-time “I forgive you all” is simply not feasible. Unfortunately, the nature of a narcissist is such that he/she will provide occasions that require forgiveness time after time after time, and for unimaginable wounds—words and actions that are far-reaching, cutting to the soul. Quite frankly, I find the challenge of forgiving the narcissist in my life to be some of the toughest emotional and spiritual work I’ve had to do as a Christian. And the greatest challenge of all may be the dynamic of the narcissist continually harming others whom I love—the vulnerable that I cannot protect in any way. Watching that happen, feeling so impotent because I can’t do anything to prevent their wounds? That’s intense. The pain of watching the vulnerable suffer repeatedly makes a judgmental and flippant “just forgive” become yet another wound in my life. Those of you who may be quick to condemn, please consider what heart-felt forgiveness truly means for those of us who live with a narcissist. Know that I am about the work. But know too that a narcissist provides a mountain of pain that must be processed not just once or twice, but continually.
What might that pain look like? And how should we respond as leaders? Let’s evaluate some specifics, and I’ll refer to the narcissist in our extended family as “MM”—anacronym for “my Megan”!
*First and foremost, MMs view people as tools to be manipulated and used for personal gain, showcasing themselves, and building their own self-worth. Because they don’t have the ability to truly feel empathy for another’s pain, they will take as they can: others’ money, time, self-worth, dignity, autonomy and more. Therefore, as you are able, you must protect others under your authority as a leader. No matter your good intentions and abilities, you cannot “fix” the narcissist. Instead, you need to focus on protecting those around the narcissist from irreparable harm.
*Truth becomes relative. The perspective of “it’s always about me” translates to the MM’s distorting reality in a way that leads to self-glorification. Facts get altered. Timelines are re-arranged. Motivations are judged as if the MM is a god who can view another’s deepest thoughts and feelings—in a way that makes others appear bad while the MM takes center stage as the “shining star.” Once again, the MM’s ultimate goal is “how and what can I benefit from my perspective of reality?” (I will concede that it’s possible the MM truly does see reality as he/she presents it. But that in no way excuses the distortion; the MM’s untruth is still untrue.)
*An MM will always seek to be the center of attention. Given the opportunity, events will be upstaged by the MM to direct all eyes onto him/her. Photo ops are just that: opportunities to manipulate self into the limelight. Woe to the bride, newborn, graduate, birthday boy or girl who must live with a narcissist. Somehow, using that incredible giftedness and creativity, the MM manipulates the scenario to feature himself/herself rather than those who should be honored.
*Because of the need for complete adoration of the MM alone, the MM will work to actively pull his/her spouse and children away from any family members or friends viewed as a threat to his/her blind trust and adoration. Therefore, the MM will seek to sever relationships viewed as competition, maneuvering to distance other relational ties by various means: manipulation of situations; fabrication of past history, stories or facts that are intentionally critical of other relationships; mocking and ridicule of others, etc.
*A narcissist doesn’t feel shame like a “normal” person. Another benefit of distorting reality to elevate themselves is that MMs change perspective to absolve themselves of responsibility for sins or mistakes, cruelty and insensitivity of others. They might achieve this state by ridiculing (those considered a threat in some way), intentional wounding (“supposed” friends, spouses, children, parents, etc.), or various forms of skillful manipulation for personal gain. They have few filters in relation to elevating the self; that trait alone can wreak havoc on the vulnerable.
*Any attempts to “call out” the MM for lying, manipulating, distorting or wounding others in any way will then be turned around. Suddenly, the MM proclaims himself/herself the innocent and wounded party by these unjust, unfounded and unfair accusations. Often, that means the “waterworks” will be turned on in full force, and the star will give an Oscar-worthy performance!
*Narcissists are not trustworthy. Therefore, putting oneself in a vulnerable position of needing to trust a narcissist can be precarious and ultimately, hurtful emotionally, mentally and spiritually. Because a narcissist views truth as relative and elevation of self is his/her highest priority, leaders must be extremely cautious about placing narcissists in positions that require trust—especially in relation to co-workers or those under their authority.
*The vulnerable who are unfortunately in the MM’s perimeter of relationships must develop and enforce protective boundaries. Because of their inability to be trusted—and MMs sometimes even delight in cruelly using and ridiculing others to build up and glorify themselves—those who cannot avoid interaction with a narcissist must put wise, thoughtful boundaries into place. These practical protections could appear “unchristian” to unknowledgeable and/or naïve outside observers; however, they are essential for the emotional, mental and spiritual health of those who are in the sphere of an MM’s circle of relationships who could be victims of the MM’s manipulation and cruelty. Again, wise boundaries are essential.
One Specific Example: King Charles’ Response
Recent headlines about Prince Harry, Megan and their children and a potential trip to the UK were intriguing: Would King Charles meet with the entire family, or would it be Harry, alone? Would the king deny them all—further intensifying an already clearly fractured relationship? Or would Megan get her way with a significant public display of her and the children, at the expense and time of a significant number of protective services? (I have to add one hilarious line that I read which quipped, “Just go to a Holiday Inn, Harry!”) I did not want to watch a woman with clearly narcissistic traits “win” again, but I also didn’t want King Charles to miss out on seeing his grandchildren—in my opinion, the single most important event that needed to happen. For the King’s sake. For the children’s sake. Both of which appeared to be rather far down the list in priorities for too many involved…
Fortunately, King Charles outwitted the previous master manipulator: He visited with the children under his terms, in privacy, no press permitted, no theatrics allowed—and especially, no recordings and no pictures taken, period. Demonstrating exactly how you put boundaries into place and then skillfully and kindly enforce them, King Charles gave us all a lesson that displayed wisdom and love.
I can’t tell you how to best manage the narcissist in your life. And that’s especially true because I struggle constantly with the MM in mine. Recently, this MM did something to me that was deeply hurtful—and intended to wound me in a public way. I could just hear the mocking laughter that the MM must’ve enjoyed, envisioning my reaction. How sad that another’s pain is the narcissist’s joy. No boundary would’ve protected me from that attack, and yet God had one of those “you meant it for evil, but I’ll use it for good” plans in mind, which went a long way in healing my broken heart.
For those who must live and somehow not just exist—but even thrive—in the crosshairs of a grandiose narcissist, know that this truth is our fortress: God’s presence is our ultimate protection and boundary. May we ever trust him to guard our hearts.